Maybe your child isn't trying to give you a hard time- they're trying to tell you something. Your child screams. Slams a door. Shuts down. Says, “Forget it!” Or insists, “You never listen to me!” Your first reaction might be to correct the behavior. “Don’t talk to me like that.” “Stop slamming doors.” “Calm down.” And yes, boundaries matter. But before we focus on the behavior, it may be worth asking: What is your child trying to communicate? Sometimes big behavior is a sign that a child feels unheard, misunderstood, frustrated, or disconnected. That doesn't mean screaming or slamming doors is okay. It means there may be something underneath the behavior worth understanding. How good are your listening skills? Real listening is more than hearing the words your child is saying. Active listening means giving your child your attention, putting down the phone, resisting the urge to immediately solve the problem, and showing them that what they're saying matters. Reflective listening takes it one step further. Instead of jumping in with advice, try reflecting back what you hear: “It sounds like you felt like I wasn't listening.” “You're really frustrated that I made that decision.” “You wanted me to understand your side before I responded.” You don't have to agree with everything your child says.  Listening isn't agreeing. It's letting your child know, “I want to understand you.” And when a child feels heard, they are often much more open to hearing you. That is the heart of transformational parenting: not simply changing your child's behavior, but becoming more aware of how you show up in the relationship.

Parenting isn’t about getting everything right. It’s about being willing to learn, grow, repair, and stay connected.

How to support your child without taking responsibility for their problems